Post by katie on Feb 19, 2006 11:24:47 GMT
I think the following applies to all of us!!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D
Do we need to get help???
*Horse-Aholics *
(by Anonymous)
I AM a horse-aholic. I would like to welcome all of you to this month's
online meeting of Horse-Aholics Anonymous. You may be sitting there
thinking that you are OK, and don't really need any help. It is not easy to
realize that you are a horse-aholic, and even harder to bring yourself
to an HA
meeting for help. HA is here to assist you. I have some questions to ask to
try to determine if you can be helped.
1. Can you say 'sheath' in public without blushing?
2. Do you know exactly what 'snaffle' means? (No, it is not a drink!)
3. Do you drive a truck with some type of towing package and/or dual
rear wheel when everyone else you know drives a real car?
4. Do you have more than one type of trailer because you own horses?
5. Do you spend your holidays going to shows, sales, clinics, and
seminars when everyone else goes on cruises?
6. Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make a doctor
leave in disgust?
7. Do you consider formal wear clean jeans and freshly scraped boots?
8. Does the inside of your home look like your interior decorator is
State Line Tack'?
9. Do you often have barn boots on your front porch?
10. Is your mail made up primarily of breed magazines and horse catalogs?
11. Do your shirt pockets often contain bits of feed, hay, and empty
syringe covers?
12. Do you worry about paying your monthly feed bill before you think of
paying your electric bill?
13. When you meet a person, do you ask how many horses they have, and
pity them if the answer is none?
14. Do you remember the name of a great-great-great grandsire when you
can't remember your own great grandfather's name?
15. Is your primary dream in life to breed the perfect foal?
16. Do you find non-horse people boring?
17. Is 99% of your e-mail about horses?
18. Do you have a collection of bits even larger than your collection of
horses?
19. Does you halter collection include more than four halters, all the
same size?
20. Do you know more than five people this list fits exactly?
If you answered YES to three of these questions, you are in pretty good
shape. You will lead a long, dull life, and never call your mother and
tell her
"I'm in the hospital, but everything is fine! The horse is OK."
If you answered YES to 10, you are in serious trouble. Give in
gracefully, and become a member of Horse-Aholics Anonymous now... You will
qualify eventually anyway.
If you answered YES to 15 or more, you are incurable. My advice to those
who, like me, are incurable is as follows.....
Sit back, smile, read your email, and know that your life will always be
filled with good friends and better horses, and it will NEVER be boring
*Top Ten Exercises to Becoming a Better Horseman*
10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away.
Shout, "Get Off, Stupid! GET OFF!"
9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall."
Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.
8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out a $200
check without even looking down.
7. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell
the neighbors what you are doing; they might as well
know now.
6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling
to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.
5. Hone your fibbing skills: " see, hon. moving hay bales is FUN!" and,
"no, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar
horse won the blue ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and
actual ability won me second place"
4. Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed
to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
3. Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be: bitten, thrown,
kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen...
2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding
clothes and repeat to yourself, This is a learning experience,
this is a learning experience, this is..."
1. THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN: Marry money.
*Identification of the Female Equestrian...*/
EASY TO LOCATE./
She's either off on the horse or out in the barn./
UPHOLDS THE DOUBLE STANDARD./
Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when you need a
shave./
OWNS ONE VACUUM CLEANER/
and operates it exclusively in the barn./
A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY,/
providing the party is given by another horsey wife. Falls asleep in her
soup at all other functions./
ECONOMY MINDED./
Won't waste your money on permanents, facials, or manicures./
A CULINARY PERFECTIONIST./
Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she
petrifies your dinner in the microwave./
OCCASIONALLY AMOROUS,/
but never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst, slight trace of chap
stick./
EASY TO OUTFIT./
No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. You
can find all she wears at your local tack store./
FEATURES A SELECTIVE SENSE OF SMELL./
Bitterly complains about your sticky-sweet cigar smoke while remaining
totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying
next to the heater./
UNMISTAKABLE IN A BATHING SUIT./
She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks
up again at the wrists/
A DEDICATED CLUB WOMAN,/
as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in its name./
HAS YOUR LEISURE AT HEART./
Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into
pasture, which, in turn, converts itself into mud./
A MASTER AT MULTIPLICATION./
She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she
breeds it./
KEEPS AN EAGLE EYE ON THE BUDGET./
Easily justifies spending six hundred dollars on h-o-r-s-e-s, but croaks
when you blow ten on bowling./
AN ENGAGING CONVERSATIONALIST./
Can rattle on endlessly about training or breeding. /
SOCIALLY AWARE./
Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots./
A MOVING FORCE IN THE FAMILY./
House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country (and
farther away from your job.)/
EASY TO PLEASE./
A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win
her heart forever./
SENTIMENTAL FOOL./
Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse in the house,
and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married)
somewhere in the bottom of her purse./
SHOWS HER AFFECTION IN UNUSUAL WAYS./
If she pats you on the neck and says "you're a good boy," believe it or
not, she loves you!
*HERE IS THE HORSE POEM FIRST ---THEN READ THE TRUE ONE*
When you are tense, let me teach you to relax.
When you are short tempered, let me teach you to be patient.
When you are short sighted, let me teach you to see.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be thoughtful.
When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene.
When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.
When you are self-absorbed, let me teach you to think of greater things.
When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion.
When you are tired, let me carry the load.
When you need to learn, let me teach you.
After all, I am your horse.
And now, the REAL story........
When you are tense, let me teach you that there
are dragons in the forest, and we need to leave NOW.
When you are short tempered, let me teach you
how to slog around the pasture for an hour before you
can catch me.
When you are short sighted, let me teach you to
figure out where, exactly, in the 40 acres I am
hiding.
When you are quick to react let me teach you
that herbivores kick MUCH faster than omnivores.
When you are angry, let me teach you how well I
can stand on my hind feet, because I don't FEEL like
cantering on my right lead today, that's why.
When you are worried, let me entertain you with
my mystery lameness, GI complaint, and skin disease.
When you feel superior, let me teach you that,
mostly, you are the maid service.
When you are self-absorbed let me teach you to
PAY ATTENTION. I TOLD you about those dragons in the
forest.
When you are arrogant, let me teach you what
1200 lbs of a YAHOO-let's-go horse can do when
suitably inspired.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion.
Let's do lunch. Also, breakfast and dinner.
When you are tired, don't forget the 600 lbs of
grain that needs to be unloaded.
When you are feeling financially secure, let me
teach you the meaning of "Veterinary Services,
additional."
When you need to learn, hang around, baby. I'll
learn ya!
"In Riding Horses, We Are Borrowing Freedom!"
Do we need to get help???
*Horse-Aholics *
(by Anonymous)
I AM a horse-aholic. I would like to welcome all of you to this month's
online meeting of Horse-Aholics Anonymous. You may be sitting there
thinking that you are OK, and don't really need any help. It is not easy to
realize that you are a horse-aholic, and even harder to bring yourself
to an HA
meeting for help. HA is here to assist you. I have some questions to ask to
try to determine if you can be helped.
1. Can you say 'sheath' in public without blushing?
2. Do you know exactly what 'snaffle' means? (No, it is not a drink!)
3. Do you drive a truck with some type of towing package and/or dual
rear wheel when everyone else you know drives a real car?
4. Do you have more than one type of trailer because you own horses?
5. Do you spend your holidays going to shows, sales, clinics, and
seminars when everyone else goes on cruises?
6. Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make a doctor
leave in disgust?
7. Do you consider formal wear clean jeans and freshly scraped boots?
8. Does the inside of your home look like your interior decorator is
State Line Tack'?
9. Do you often have barn boots on your front porch?
10. Is your mail made up primarily of breed magazines and horse catalogs?
11. Do your shirt pockets often contain bits of feed, hay, and empty
syringe covers?
12. Do you worry about paying your monthly feed bill before you think of
paying your electric bill?
13. When you meet a person, do you ask how many horses they have, and
pity them if the answer is none?
14. Do you remember the name of a great-great-great grandsire when you
can't remember your own great grandfather's name?
15. Is your primary dream in life to breed the perfect foal?
16. Do you find non-horse people boring?
17. Is 99% of your e-mail about horses?
18. Do you have a collection of bits even larger than your collection of
horses?
19. Does you halter collection include more than four halters, all the
same size?
20. Do you know more than five people this list fits exactly?
If you answered YES to three of these questions, you are in pretty good
shape. You will lead a long, dull life, and never call your mother and
tell her
"I'm in the hospital, but everything is fine! The horse is OK."
If you answered YES to 10, you are in serious trouble. Give in
gracefully, and become a member of Horse-Aholics Anonymous now... You will
qualify eventually anyway.
If you answered YES to 15 or more, you are incurable. My advice to those
who, like me, are incurable is as follows.....
Sit back, smile, read your email, and know that your life will always be
filled with good friends and better horses, and it will NEVER be boring
*Top Ten Exercises to Becoming a Better Horseman*
10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away.
Shout, "Get Off, Stupid! GET OFF!"
9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall."
Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.
8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out a $200
check without even looking down.
7. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell
the neighbors what you are doing; they might as well
know now.
6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling
to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.
5. Hone your fibbing skills: " see, hon. moving hay bales is FUN!" and,
"no, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar
horse won the blue ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and
actual ability won me second place"
4. Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed
to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
3. Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be: bitten, thrown,
kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen...
2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding
clothes and repeat to yourself, This is a learning experience,
this is a learning experience, this is..."
1. THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN: Marry money.
*Identification of the Female Equestrian...*/
EASY TO LOCATE./
She's either off on the horse or out in the barn./
UPHOLDS THE DOUBLE STANDARD./
Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when you need a
shave./
OWNS ONE VACUUM CLEANER/
and operates it exclusively in the barn./
A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY,/
providing the party is given by another horsey wife. Falls asleep in her
soup at all other functions./
ECONOMY MINDED./
Won't waste your money on permanents, facials, or manicures./
A CULINARY PERFECTIONIST./
Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she
petrifies your dinner in the microwave./
OCCASIONALLY AMOROUS,/
but never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst, slight trace of chap
stick./
EASY TO OUTFIT./
No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. You
can find all she wears at your local tack store./
FEATURES A SELECTIVE SENSE OF SMELL./
Bitterly complains about your sticky-sweet cigar smoke while remaining
totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying
next to the heater./
UNMISTAKABLE IN A BATHING SUIT./
She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks
up again at the wrists/
A DEDICATED CLUB WOMAN,/
as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in its name./
HAS YOUR LEISURE AT HEART./
Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into
pasture, which, in turn, converts itself into mud./
A MASTER AT MULTIPLICATION./
She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she
breeds it./
KEEPS AN EAGLE EYE ON THE BUDGET./
Easily justifies spending six hundred dollars on h-o-r-s-e-s, but croaks
when you blow ten on bowling./
AN ENGAGING CONVERSATIONALIST./
Can rattle on endlessly about training or breeding. /
SOCIALLY AWARE./
Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots./
A MOVING FORCE IN THE FAMILY./
House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country (and
farther away from your job.)/
EASY TO PLEASE./
A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win
her heart forever./
SENTIMENTAL FOOL./
Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse in the house,
and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married)
somewhere in the bottom of her purse./
SHOWS HER AFFECTION IN UNUSUAL WAYS./
If she pats you on the neck and says "you're a good boy," believe it or
not, she loves you!
*HERE IS THE HORSE POEM FIRST ---THEN READ THE TRUE ONE*
When you are tense, let me teach you to relax.
When you are short tempered, let me teach you to be patient.
When you are short sighted, let me teach you to see.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be thoughtful.
When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene.
When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.
When you are self-absorbed, let me teach you to think of greater things.
When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion.
When you are tired, let me carry the load.
When you need to learn, let me teach you.
After all, I am your horse.
And now, the REAL story........
When you are tense, let me teach you that there
are dragons in the forest, and we need to leave NOW.
When you are short tempered, let me teach you
how to slog around the pasture for an hour before you
can catch me.
When you are short sighted, let me teach you to
figure out where, exactly, in the 40 acres I am
hiding.
When you are quick to react let me teach you
that herbivores kick MUCH faster than omnivores.
When you are angry, let me teach you how well I
can stand on my hind feet, because I don't FEEL like
cantering on my right lead today, that's why.
When you are worried, let me entertain you with
my mystery lameness, GI complaint, and skin disease.
When you feel superior, let me teach you that,
mostly, you are the maid service.
When you are self-absorbed let me teach you to
PAY ATTENTION. I TOLD you about those dragons in the
forest.
When you are arrogant, let me teach you what
1200 lbs of a YAHOO-let's-go horse can do when
suitably inspired.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion.
Let's do lunch. Also, breakfast and dinner.
When you are tired, don't forget the 600 lbs of
grain that needs to be unloaded.
When you are feeling financially secure, let me
teach you the meaning of "Veterinary Services,
additional."
When you need to learn, hang around, baby. I'll
learn ya!
"In Riding Horses, We Are Borrowing Freedom!"
;D Think Lavender wrote the true poem ;D
